joi, 31 decembrie 2009

Cred in...

ceva ce lumea uita...Cred in ceva ce nimeni si nimic nu poate opri...nimeni nu poate distruge.Cred in ceva ce poate creea viata cu adevarat.Cred in ceva ce spulbera..elimina toate barierele si limitele acestei vieti materiale...ale existentei...DA CRED IN VISE....nu in mai multe ci doar in unul singur ... si stiu ca e pur.Si chiar daca tot ceea ce sufletul meu poarta,amintirile ce mi-le-a daruit,vor crea mai multa durere in mine...voi accepta acest lucru.Port amprenta unei iubiri de o intensitate ce aceasta lume nu o poate intelege si de accea de multe ori imi e foarte greu sa ma fac inteles.Si asa cum am putut intelege multe altele stiu ca e aici...ca si mine ,si va trebui sa ne regasim acum sau poate "alta data"...E prea puternica amprenta ce o port si nu o pot sterge ..si cred ca nici nu vreau...daca moartea nu a avut puterea eu de ce as avea.Nu pot sa trec peste ceea ce e in mine...si da ...chiar daca nu e nimic palpabil,nimic concret,chiar daca nu am nici cel mai mic detaliu despre existenta ei,locatia ei..etc,asta nu ma va putea opri sa sper,asta nu imi va da puterea sa sterg totul sa uit ceea ce sufletul imi arata secunda cu secunda ..clipa de clipa...Probabil sint un nebun irecuperabil pentru aceasta lume...dar ceea ce sper .visez este doar ceea ce simt de prea mult timp,de prea multi ani...Viata e un drum greu si asa ..pentru mine va fi poate mult mai greu dar nu voi inceta niciodata sa visez la ceva ce deja stiu ce insemna...la ceva ce de multe ori simt atit de puternic incit...
Tot ceea ce scriu pe acest blog e "greu de rumegat"si trebuie sa fii un "suflet deschis" pentru a intelege si astfel de suflete sint tot mai putine



I believe in...

something that people forget ... I believe in something no one and nothing can stop ... no one can destroy.I believe something that can create real life .I believe it can remove all barriers and limitations of this material life ... YES I BELIEVE in dreams .... not many but only in one ... and I know it's pure.And even if all that my soul is carring, the memories that she gave my, will create more pain in me ... I will accept this .I carry the mark of a love,a love of a intensity that this world can not understand.because it sometimes I it very difficult for me to make myself understood. And as I could understand more. it's there ... like me, and you should find ourselves or maybe "some other time "... It's too strong the desire wat i carry and i can not removet .. and I think I do not want ... if death could not, me why to do this.. and yes ... even if is nothing tangible, nothing concrete, even though I have not the smallest detail about its existence, its location .. etc, that I can not stop hoping, that I will not have the power to remove all ,to forget what my soul tells me second to second .. every moment ... I am probably beyond repair for this crazy world ... but what I hope, I dream of, what I feel is just too long, the too many years ... Life is a hard road for me .. and it will be perhaps more difficult but I never stopped dreaming about something that already know what is mean ... something often feel so strongly ...
Everything I write on this blog is "hard to chew" and should be an "open heart" to understand and such souls are fewer and fewer.

marți, 29 decembrie 2009

Vis


....tin ceva in brate...tin pe cineva...nu-i pot vedea chipul ... capul ei e sprijinit de pieptul meu .O tin in brate si simt ca trebuie sa fie acolo.Se desprinde de la pieptul meu si ma priveste...chipul ei...acei ochi de inger...vreau sa spun atitea dar nu pot...si o privesc si as vrea sa pling dar nu pot....o privesc si simt doar liniste si calm ...si inca ceva...ceva ...ce cuvintele nu pot exprima.Acei doi ochi ce spun atitea ...Ne tinem de maini si...plutim....privesc in jur ..e intuneric...iar in intuneric sclipesc stele..defapt peste tot in jur sclipesc stele...Plutim in ... cer ...in neant...dar nu ma tem si nici ea nu o face ...gindurile ei sint ale mele si invers....Revine la pieptul meu ..si abia acum realizez ca sintem goi...goi de tot ce e lumesc...si la propiu si la figurat...O mangai usor ...si simt ca zimbeste...caldura din piepturile noastre se transforma incet in lumina ...o lumina calda ce ne inconjoara ca un scut protector...O DOAMNE....visez ....si va trebui sa ma trezesc...sa ma trezesc din nou intr-o lume pentru care nu mai simt decit repulsie...
Un vis...sau poate o dorinta...sau poate nebunie...


DREAM

....keep something in my arms ... keep someone ... I can not see her face ... her head is supported by my chest. A hold in my arms and feel she have to be there.It falls off from my chest and She looked at me ... her face ... those eyes of an angel ... I want to say so much but i can not... i look at her and I want to cry but can not ....i look at her face and feel just peace and calm ... and another thing ... what ... what words can not express.Those two eyes that say so much ... We keep the hands and float .... ... ..i look around ... and is so dark .. but still i see shining stars all around ... we floating in ...in the heaven ... to nowhere ... but I'm not afraid and neither ... her thoughts are mine and vice versa .... It is come to my chest .. and only now realize that we are naked ... naked of all that is mundane ... a rubbing ... slowly... she smiles ... and feel the heat from our chest is turning slowly in the light ... a warm light around us as a protective shield ... Oh God.... i dream .... and I have to wake up ... to wake up again in a world for wat i feel only disgust ...

A dream ... or a desire ... or maybe crazy ...

marți, 15 decembrie 2009

Concluzie dupa 11 ani de viata

Acum 11 ani in dorinta de a astupa durerea...lipsa...ce o port in suflet m-am casatorit cu un suflet ce am crezut ca-mi va pute oferi ceea ce aveam nevoie pentru a-mi amutii strigatele sufletului.Am gresit considerind ca ma pot amagi pe mine insumi.O greseala ce ma costat mai mult decit as vrea sa cred...o greseala ...in care am angrenat si alte doua suflete nevinovate....doi copii a caror copilarie deja e poate marcata de problemele dintre mine si ea...o copilarie...ce e mai fragil...si mai pur in viata unui om....am incercat sa fac totul pentru ca sa fie bine...am dorit ca familia mea sa fie locul unde voi gasi puterea de a zimbi din nou ...locul unde dragostea sa fie la ea acasa....linistea...Totul...totul e haos,tot ce am vrut... nimic din ceea ce mi-am dorit nu e cum as fi vrut...nimic...Da sint nefericit...nefericit pentru ca fericirea mea depinde de fericirea celor dragi mie.Spunem ca lasam fericirea sa treaca pe linga noi,...ca nu mai stim cum arata.....Ce inseamna atunci sa vezi pe chipul celor dragi un zimbet pur si nu unul fals....ce inseamna sa vezi in privirile lor ..cit de mult tin la tine...ce inseamna sa stii ca inimile lor au acelasi ritm cu propia-ti inima...Ne ascundem dupa banale cuvinte...banale explicatii ce defapt ne adincesc in ....intr-o viata mizerabila...intr-o viata in care uitam pentru ce sintem aici...pentru ce traim.
Am gresit...dar totul trebuie sa se sfirseasca iar eu va trebui sa suport consecintele...E vina mea.. eu am inceput....si sfirsitul tot mie imi apartine....


Monday, December 14, 2009
Conclusion after 11 years of life

They are 11 years from the time when whit the desire to stop the pain ... the lack ... what i have in my soul, I married a women that I thought could give me what I needed to bring peace in my soul.A big mistake Considering that I can fool my soul.A mistake that cost me more than I want to believe ... a mistake ...in that we engaged two innocent souls .... two children whose childhood is already marked by the problems between me and her ... ... a childhood ... what is more fragile and more pure in human life .... I tried to do everything to be fine ... i wanted for my family to be the place where i find the strength to smile again ... where the love is at her home .... silence ... Everything ... everything is chaos, all I wanted ... nothing, that I wanted is not how I wanted ... anything ... Yes ... unhappy i'm unhappy because my happiness depends on the happiness of loved ones.We say that we let pass the hapines besides us... we do not know what he looks like ..... What means then if you see a smile on the faces of loved ones a pure smile and not a false one .... what it means to see in their eyes .. how much I care about you .. . what it means to know that their hearts have the same rhythm with your own heart ... We like to hide behind trivial words ... mundane explanations that we actually go deep in a miserable life ... a life where we forget what we are here ... why we live.
I was wrong ... but everything has to be done with and I will have to bear the consequences ... It's my fault .. I started .... and end is all mine ....

sâmbătă, 12 decembrie 2009

As vrea..Voi fi...(din nou)

As vrea sa ma pot face inteles,sa pot face ceva ca totul...totul sa fie altfel...sa nu ma mai doara tot ceea ce vad in jur,ce simt..As vrea sa am puterea sa schimb ceva in ...toate astea ....sa uit...sa ...inchid ochii si ... sa nu mai simt nimic...sa nu mai aud nimic..sa nu mai existe nici un gind ....moarte....hmmm ce simplu ar fi totul.Totusi sint doar negativ in acest moment si simt ca ma prabusesc... si stiu ca doar ..... voi cade din ce in ce mai mult ...Ma intreboare de ce sint aici in lumea asta ...ma pierd....Ultima oara cind m-am pierdut a fost....destul de rau.....si in momente ca asta as vrea sa nu ma fi intors....poate defapt eu sint cel ce greseste...Am ascuns in suflet totul.Martori ai sufletului meu sint doar trei persoane si in parte acest blog.Am purtat o masca de normalitate chiar daca ochi mei au au secat...chiar daca sufletul meu ....Am incercat sa fac orice pentru a fi bine..Pe plan familial totul a iesit pe dos si chiar mai rau ... in rest nici acolo nu e nimic foarte bun...toate pentru ca sint ...cee sint...Poate am dat atentie prea mult la ceea ce simt,dar....e in mine nu pot ignora...In clipe ca asta imi aduc doar aminte de...frinturi de poveste...clipe ..imagini ce le voi purta in mine pina la capat....oricare ar fi el. Voi incerca sa ..trec...sa ma ridic...sa privesc ininte...Pentru cit timp oare?Voi fi aici pina cind sufletul meu va mai putea sa suporte toate aste.Voi fi aici asteptind...strigind...dar strigatul nu are nici macar ecou....nu mai am voce..putere sa strig....Voi fi aici...o floare intr-un pustiu...


Saturday, December 12, 2009
I wish .. I'll be ... (again)

I wish to explain my self,to do anything about everything ... everything to go different ... to not hurt me anymore all wat i see around and I feel .. I wish I had the power to cange someting in ... all this ....to forget ... to ... close my eyes and ... to not feel anything ...to not hear anything ...without thoughts ...death .... Hmmm .... how simple can be everyting.I'm only negative at this point and feel that I collapse ... and I know only ..... will fall increasingly more ... I wonder why i live in this world ... I lose my self.... the last time when I lost my self was bad enough .... ..... in moments like this I wish to not come back .... I maybe be the one that fails ... I hid deep in my soul everyting.Witnesses are only three people in this and part this blog.I wear a mask of normality even if my eyes have dried up ... even if my soul .... I tried to do anything to be all good .. On the family all came out backwards and even worse ... in rest there is nothing either good ... all because i am like ... i am ... Maybe I gave too much attention to what I feel, but .... it can not ignore me ... In moments like this make me remember ... just scrap of the story ... .. image moments that I will carry with me to the end .... whatever he is. I will try to .. go ... get up ... to look look forward ... For how long? I'll be here until my soul will fall .I will be here waiting ... crying. .. but not even an echo to my cry .... I do not have voice to shout .. power .... I'll be here ... a flower in a desert ...

INCET

Incerc sa mentin ura departe de mine ...sufletul imi spune sa fac asta...amintirile ce el m-i lea daruit.Amintirea unei iubiri ...iubire ce moartea nu a putut sa o stearga.Sint un ciudat...da sint deacord cu acest lucru si totusi...nu pot sa ma intreb "de ce"...vesnicul "de ce"...defapt singurul "de ce" la care nu am un raspuns.Singura explicatie ce am luat-o in considerare e ca acolo undeva acel suflet...suflet pereche ... exista...si..sper ca simte aceiasi neimplinire.Am ridicat in momente de disperare ochi spre cer si am cerut ajutor.A venit acest ajutor si incet foarte incet si rar am primit frinturi  de ...informatii daca le pot spune in acest fel.Totusi de cind ma stiu am fost ceva diferit de tot ceea ce vad in jur si asta pentru ca in mine ceva ma obliga sa nu urasc,sa nu fac rau,...ceva din mine ....sufletul meu....iubirea lui pentru acel suflet.D-zeule ...ce a ajuns acest ....sentiment, aceasta traire....A ajuns ceva material .........sa pierdut sensul vietii....macar unul dintre voi cei ce cititi aceste rinduri stiti care e sensul vietii(general pentru ca fiecare om,fiinta are sensul ei principal).Citi dintre voi isi dau seama ca raul cel face astazi va lovi inzecit maine in generatiile urmatoare.Din acest motiv ma consider diferit ...pentru ca chiar daca  nu am un viitor sigur, un loc de munca asigurat,nu pling ziua de maine din punct de vedere material.Chiar daca am doar zece clase,chiar daca am citit mult(in nici un caz ziare)nu astea ma fac sa fiu ce sint,ci doar sufletul cel port si dorinta de a fi om in adevaratul sens al cuvintului.Un lucru nu greu,ci ingrozitor de greu in ziua de azi in care pentru a mentine capul la suprafata acestui ocean de ura si materialism trebuie sa "lovesti si sa calci pentru a nu fi calcat".Platim pacatele parintilor...mi-a trebuit ceva timp pina am inteles si acele cuvinte ..."copii vor plati pacatele parintilor"...Nu mi se pare corect  insa sint prea mic si....As dori sa pot schimba ceva dar asta numi apartine doar mie ci si celor din jurul meu....
Incet ceva in mine moare...si ceva ia nastere.Nu speranta...Moare dorinta si puterea de a fi om ...Se naste insa ceva intunecat...si uneori in intunericul noptii strig catre cer....un strigat mut si totusi puternic.NU vine insa nici un raspuns....nici macar din partea ei...acel suflet.


Slowly


I try to keep the hate away of me ... my heart says to do that ... memories that my soul give me.Memories of love ... I love that death could not delete.I am a strange ... agree with this and yet ... I can not ask "why" ... the eternal "why" ... actually the only "why" to which I do not have a answer.The only explanation what I took it in account is that soul is somewhere there ... soul mate ... isthere ... and .. I hope he feels the same things like me. In moments of desperation my eyes looked tothe sky and asked for aid.A this aid came slowly and slowly and gently scrape by ... I received information if they can be named like that.Still ,since I know my self I was something different from everything I see around and that's because something in me forced me to not hate, do not hurt, ... something in me .... my soul. ... his love for that soul.My God ... what .... got this feeling, this feeling has got something material .... .........we lost the meaning of life .. .. even one of you who read these lines know what is the meaning of life (general for every human being has a primary sense). How many of you realize that the bad of today will strike tomorrow tenfold in the next generations.This is why I think differently ... because even if I have a insecure future, a job insecured, i'm not complain in a material way the day of tomorrow.If legally i have just ten classes, even if I read more (in any case not newspapers) they not make me be what i am, but the memories and my soul desire to be human in the true sense of the word. Is not difficult, but terribly hard today to keep the head on surface of this ocean of hatred and materialism ...has to "hit and press for not be press." sins of the parents ... We pay the sins of our parents I get some time until i understand those words ... "Children will pay parents' sins. .. did not seem right but i'm too small and .... I wish I could change anything but this belongs not only to my , but also those around me ....

Something in me dies slowly ... and give birth to something else.Dies the wish and hope ... the power to be human ... but something dark is born ... and sometimes i cry in the darkness of night to the sky .... a cried silent and still strong.Is not comes no answer .... no answer from her ... from that soul.

Sint un simplu om

    Am incercat prin scrierea acestui blog sa vars durerea din suflet...sa astern gindurile in el pentru a le da o ordine ce in mintea mea nu o mai gaseam...Am facut-o la sfatul unui prieten .Am asezat printre rinduri insa si o mare parte din viata mea intr-un anume fel spunind totul despre mine.Astfel unii din cei ce au citit blogul meu partial sau in totalitate sint mai mult ca sigur ca sau minunat de cit de mare e gradina lui D-zeu.Nu o iau in nume de rau si inteleg ...citeodata imi pun si eu intrebarea daca nu cumva sint altfel decit sanatos.E posibil sa  fie ceva lipsa pe acolo si sper ca nimeni nu ma menajat in comentarii si nici nu o va face de acum in colo.
       Da ,odin pacate intr-un acces de tristete sau poate suparare(sint si eu om )am sters postarile facute anterior doar pentru ca existau in ele prea multe detalii.Nu stiu in ce masura voi continua sa scriu pe aici si nu promit nimic insa pentru cei ce ma urmaresc ca am sa  fiu inca mult timp pe aici.


I am a simple man

I tried by writing this blog to get out the sick in my soul ... to get out pain ,to put the thoughts here to give an order that in my mind there was no longer ... I did it on the advice of a friend. I sat among rows a large part of my life and in some way says it is all about mine.So some of those who read my blog part or in whole are more than likely that the wonder how big is wonderful garden of God.I'm not take it in a bad way and i understand ... sometimes i question my self about my mental healt. Otherwise it is possible something to be missing there and I hope I am not spared in the comments nor will do for now in there.
Yes, Unfortunately in a fit of sadness or anger (I am human to)i have deleted posts that were previously made only because they contain to mach explanation about me.Not know in what way i will continue to write on here and how mach i'm not promise anything but for those who follow me I long to be still here